


Guardian

by MeredithBrody



Category: NCIS: New Orleans
Genre: Child Death, F/M, Stillbirth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-14
Updated: 2016-06-14
Packaged: 2018-07-15 01:22:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7199690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeredithBrody/pseuds/MeredithBrody
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merri reflects on her first pregnancy as she tries to get past the fears for her second.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Guardian

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Sokorra](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sokorra/gifts).



> This is entirely Sokorra's fault. We were RPing on Tumblr last night, and she brought up a West Wing reference and it ended up a sad discussion about this and I threatened to write it and... now here we are.

_ “I’m sorry, Meredith. The baby died.” _

Nine years on and those words still haunted her. She never spoke about it with anyone, but maybe this time she was going to have too. There had been two people she’s spoken with at the time, and one of them just hadn’t been able to understand. Emily had been there the whole time, and James had been there, but he just hadn’t been able to put himself in her shoes.

She’d been 27 weeks. The baby had been viable. Then he had died in utero. He’d just stopped kicking one day, and she hadn’t noticed fast enough. The first indication that something was wrong was when she had a cramp so bad that the threw up. They had gotten to the hospital not long after that, but they’d been unable to find a heartbeat.

_ “No, we’re too far along.” _

It was something that she’d been able to take in. She’d screamed about the fact they must have been wrong. The worst part had been that she needed to go through labour. She was too far along for anything else. James and Emily had stood there holding her hands as she gave birth to their son.

They were never going to hear a cry, and as soon as her placenta had been delivered they left the family alone with their baby, telling them that they could have as long as they wanted. All Merri could remember for the immediate aftermath was crying, and James kissing her forehead telling her how much he loved her.

_ “MB, do you want to hold him?” _

The words were soft, James asked while Emily had walked with their son, rocking him gently. She looked over to her sister and she desperately wanted to say no, she wanted to run away and pretend that none of this was happening, but she also knew that wasn’t going to help at all.

So she nodded and allowed her son to be laid in her arms. He looked so tiny and perfect, ten fingers, ten toes. James’ nose, her dark hair. She heard Emily said she’d go and make the calls. By the Merri knew she meant that Emily was going to tell their parents that they’d lost the baby, and also call a funeral home. Probably the same one they used for their grandmother.

_ “He’s perfect J.” _

Even after all these years she looked at the few pictures they had of the two of them and their son, it hurt but she needed those memories sometimes. This was one secret she hadn’t shared with her new family. They already thought of her as broken, as damaged. She didn’t need to add to that. They were right though, she was both of those things and a whole lot more.

Even she and James rarely spoke of him. Normally on his birthday. Benjamin Lucas Lathom. That was the name they’d chosen to give him. It was a lovely name, and she had it tattooed on her side, along with his birthdate. It was her private memorial to him, as his ashes had been buried beside his aunt Emily’s coffin. He had a tiny little headstone beside Emily’s too. 

_ “We have to say goodbye now, MB.” _

Saying goodbye was something she was never very good at, something she had always struggled to do. They’d had an hour to hold their son, to cry together at the fact they never got to see him open his eyes or take a breath. They’d never thought about having a child, then she’d been pregnant and they’d been excited.

Everyone had known, their house was full of baby things. She’d have to return them. Tell people to go get their money back. There would be no child in their house. As she cuddled her son for the last few precious seconds she tried to memorise everything about him. She tried to memorise his hair, the folds in his skin, the lightness of his body. She then handed him to James, who spent a long second doing exactly the same.

_ “I miss him already, and we never even met him really.” _

Three days later she went home. Her arms empty and nothing happy to show for the trip. She knew that Emily had told all the relevant people, that she was on leave for a few weeks in which to process. Every night James had curled up in bed with her and they’d cried together until they were asleep.

He promised that this wasn’t going to end them, he’d promised that they would be OK to get through it and continue on with their life together. Three months later, their go-between, Emily, was killed. After that they just drifted. The love was still there but the pain was too much for them both. Only now, nine years later, was that changing.

_ “We’ll get through this, OK.” _

Now she was sat in the same position. She was 27 weeks pregnant, but this time nothing was going wrong, the baby was perfectly healthy. Merri could see her dancing on the screen. It hurt that James had been on assignment, but Pride had agreed to go with her, he’d been an amazing stand in for her husband, and she loved him for that.

She knew his questions would come, he’d heard her have to answer the questions about a previous pregnancy, about a stillbirth. He was a father he understood more than most, but it was something she kept private. More than anything she truly wished that the man she loved was with her, as it was this would do. As long as the baby was OK.

_ “I love you, James.” _


End file.
